Happy Festivus

A fictional tale of the dangers of retail in the Festive season.

The Scene- Beeston’s fine purveyor of guitars- The Guitar Shoppe. Customer enters shop to be greeted by grumpy owner Jimmy Miggins-

Jimmy Miggins (for it is he) - Morning Sir anything I can help with? If you wish to try anything please feel free.

(Miggins slumps down, wondering what time the pub opens)

Customer- Good day sir, I seek to buy my young son Tommy an Electric guitar and amplifier.

(Miggins springs into sales mode, as much as possible due to his demeanour and dodgy ankle...)

Jimmy Miggins- Well Sir we have a fine and varied selection, from excellently sourced above specification Chinese Strats to handmade Gordon Smith guitars from Manchester. How much do you love your son??

(Here Miggins is using a technique from the repertoire of Miggins senior, Derek)

Customer- Well maybe not enough to spend £500. (Laughter from both parties)

I am thinking of one of your bespoke starter packages, £199.00 you say?

Jimmy Miggins- Aha sir, good choice. Which colour would suit?

Customer- I think the red one, I know nothing about guitars but little Tommy loves red.

(Miggins reaches under counter and produces poorly paper wrapped, none refrigerated beef joint. The exposed sections of the meat almost look green)

Jimmy Miggins- Whilst you are here, may I interest you in a joint of beef, it’s really cheap I’ll throw it in for another £3. This would cost you a tenner at the butchers or supermarket.

(Customer recoils agog at this bizarre proposition)

Customer- You are a guitar shop, why are you trying to sell me a joint of beef? Do you know anything about meat? That joint of beef is green and smells funny. Why would I want this! You’re a guitar shop not a butcher!

Jimmy Miggins- Well it’s cheap...

Customer- It also looks f*cking inedible, if I want beef I’ll go to the butchers, you are a guitar shop you buffoon...

Miggins- Well I was just trying to make Christmas easier for you sir...

Customer- Kill me more like you f*cking idiot. Why don’t you stick to what you know?

(Miggins produces tatty old jumper, with holes in, also smells funny)

Miggins- Jumper sir? £1.99 it would be twice the price in the charity shops

Customer- Are you taking the piss? Just sell me the guitar

The above Scenario has been exaggerated and names have been altered, in fact nothing like that has ever happened.

However many other high street chains have recently started stocking cheap guitars for the Christmas market. You wouldn’t buy a joint of beef from me would you, or a jumper? Why would you then buy a cheap piece of junk from the likes of T*sco or Sue Ryder?

In the past few years supermarket chains and the aforementioned charity shop Sue Ryder have all started selling cheap electric guitars and acoustic ¾ guitars, at ridiculous prices. You get what you pay for. Unplayable junk, that will inspire no one to progress with it much after Boxing day.

Now whilst I don’t want to come across all Lynn Faulds Wood, a lot of cheap electric guitars are just plain badly made. Usually the metal used for tuners, saddles and tremolo springs and claws are no better than using lead. The strings are usually cheap and the tuning machines stiff.

Now let’s think about the advice offered, know how to tune it, where can you get lessons, what is a pickup, what’s the difference between a single coil and a humbucking pickup? Try asking these questions at Tesco…….. (Please try, video it on your phone and send it me)

Being a specialist shop, we offer high quality product, granted it may cost more than the junk sold by certain high street chains, but think of the advantages- far superior product that inspires someone to play, knowledgeable friendly staff, a rapport with your local music shop (As my good friend Dave Mann says – “At Dave Mann music your face is your discount card”).

Think what Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall would do, support your local independent guitar shop this Christmas… We guarantee no beef or jumpers, just what we know about, guitars.